It’s Friday and I have nothing of import to report in my mundane
civilian life for yesterday. But, Friday is virtue enough to warrant noting its
arrival. Yesterday was spent filling in for the excellent boss and enduring
what is hopefully this persistent winter’s last gasp. I also watched the Sox
continue a good start while the Bruins literally quit in their most important game
of the year.
Whenever news slows down sufficiently I take advantage to
write to the audience I’ve intended this blog for from the beginning – my future
grandchildren. These mystical creatures may someday arrive on the scene but at
this rate by the time they’re old enough to understand what I’m writing about I’ll
be too decrepit to be credible (if the next generation holds true to all
previous predecessors). I wanted a forum to communicate with them so they’d
understand the doddering old fool sitting in the corner (hopefully) was once
cogent enough to offer some valuable advice or at least report on his
experience. Today’s subject will be marriage.
This is in some form the advice I gave to your parents
before their marriage and hopefully it helped a little bit, you’ll know better
than I. First and foremost I would decidedly advise against following my route
to the altar. Asking a woman to marry you after knowing each other for only
three days is not recommended. Luckily your grandmother was/is special enough
to overcome the constant challenges life with me has thrown up. We’re into our thirty
fourth year of marriage as I write this so I guess we’ve figured out a few
things.
Marriage is tough, no matter how great the attraction or
love between the participants. Life has a way of creating obstacles and challenging
each person to remain married. It’s become way too easy in today’s disposable society
to back out and divorce. I know both your grandmother and I thought about it
seriously at different times. I’d encourage you to stay the course because the
reward is more than worth it. The life you build over the course of the marriage
can’t be fully appreciated until later in life when you face mortality, can reflect
on and cherish having a partner. I know I still get excited when I get home
each day to see those flashing brown eyes that captured me back in 1981.
The best way to attain this equanimity is communication. You
have to communicate what you expect out of the marriage and your partner ahead
of time. Make sure your goals in life are amenable with theirs; most importantly
about children. You shouldn’t discover fundamental differences or expectations
after the wedding ceremony; sit down ahead of time and talk – communicate.
Once married you should be able to shelve your own
self-interest to acknowledge your partner has his/her own views. You have to
account for the existence of that equation in a marriage. It won’t always be
fun or completely comprehendible at times but you have to make the effort and
you do that through communication. Marriage is too important to guess at. Your
grandmother doesn’t especially like movies (at least as much as I do, but to be
fair, few do) but she still goes each week with me. I will never cut a very
impressive figure on a dance floor but I go a lot because this is possibly even
more important to her than my movies are to me (a close vote to be sure). These are just a couple examples of what I’m
trying to convey. If you’ve picked the right person they will take some measure
of pleasure out of knowing they’re doing something that makes you happy.
There will be disagreements, they’re inevitable and not necessarily
a bad thing as long as they’re not allowed to fester; which means we’re back to
communication. A good rule of thumb is not to go to bed angry. Anger is not
conducive to rest and often precludes more enjoyable activities. Oft times
truly hearing and understanding the other’s point of view will extract all the
venom out the issue that commenced hostilities. Swallowing your pride long
enough to acknowledge you may not have been completely in the right can make
all the difference.
I don’t claim to have all the answers but I can tell you
that it is more than worth the effort. I’m heading into what remains of my life
with a woman whose shared most of what has gone before and is still a lot of
fun to hang out with. I honestly don’t think you can put a price on how good
that feels at this point in my life. I’m honestly excited about my remaining years;
especially if you guys decide to make your long delayed appearance.
I’m a product of a very nasty divorce between my parents so
I know whereof I speak. That divorce marked everybody involved in very different
but profound, life changing ways. I saw, up very close, what it did to the children
and vowed I would never inflict that on my own. I can only say, if you pick the
right partner (which I did against all odds after only three days) there’s a
level of sublimity that’s hard to adequately describe.
Granddad, out.
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