Pater Familias

I often reflect on the impact my father’s family had upon me.  My father was the youngest of a very large family, all of whom came of age during World War 2.  One of his brothers, Pete, was a Marine killed in the battle of Guadalcanal.  All of his other brothers, as well as my father, wore uniforms and served in the military during the war.  If anything, the sisters were even tougher and the real steel of the family.  I can still remember walking up to one of my uncles, all full of myself for just returning from my first assignment in Germany.  The uncle, a B-17 door gunner in the war (one of the most dangerous jobs in the war), grinned at me when I regaled him of my times in Frankfurt.  For just a second I saw the iron in his eyes behind his normal jovial temperament as he said, “The last time I saw Frankfurt it was a smoking parking lot.”  Looking back, my childhood was only twenty years after the great cataclysm and here was that incredible group of brothers and sisters raising families and going about living life to its fullest – there was a sense of joy at just being together.  Some of the fondest memories of my childhood were the annual summer family reunions and the family Thanksgivings.  It always amazed me at how close this incredible family was, a closeness forged in the daunting challenges they faced in their youth.  There’s a saying in my family, “There’s something special about cousins.”  I still walk into a room with one of those cousins, maybe after years of no contact, and we pick up our relationship as if we had seen each other every day.  I think that is possible because we want to pay homage to those aunts and uncles who treated all of us a one big family.  When my parents divorced I was much more upset about the impact of my time with my father’s family than I was with my father moving out. I’ve tried to pass on that feeling of family to my own kids, dragging them to the family Thanksgiving each year.  Although it is now only a shadow of what it once was and all of the uncles and aunts are now gone.  Even a shadow of that closeness is a worthwhile immersion.

First Loves

We met my son’s new girl friend this past weekend and I really like the way my son acts around her.  He’s obviously in love and acts differently towards this girl than he has around any of the others we have seen.  Observing my son in the throes of his first real love, I reflected on my own experience.  I’ve been fortunate enough to experience two great loves in my life.  I completely screwed up the first, my college sweetheart and first fiancé, and have been married to the second for nearly thirty years.  There is an almost breathtaking intensity to that first love.  I remember being almost incapable to thinking of anything else when I first fell in love.  This was not especially great timing since I was in college at the time and supposedly focusing a little bit of attention towards my studies (that for another post).  That intensity scared both of us and caused her to hesitate and declare after a few months that she needed to see someone else, to confirm her feelings for me (never understood that logic).  I can still clearly remember the moment she told me this and the attendant, rending heartbreak.  I never recovered from that and unfairly punished her for the duration of our time together because of it.  She eventually committed to our relationship, but I treated her poorly, breaking up several times, as we navigated through college life, always throwing the other guy in her face.  After graduation we became engaged shortly before I headed out for my first overseas assignment.  Several months before the wedding was scheduled I broke it off because of a short fling with a bizarre English girl.  Looking back I know this was the right decision as I was not prepared for marriage but first loves are tough to let go of.  The following Christmas I was back in the States and actually went to her apartment but never made it out of my car in the parking lot and left after thirty minutes.  I rationalized that it would be manifestly unfair to attempt reconciliation after my behavior.  I was also afraid she would shoot me in the face when she opened the door.  I still thought about her daily, even after meeting the great love of my life – my wife.  It was something that dogged me for years as I was unable to emotionally let her go.  I don’t know why but in 1997, eighteen years after the breakup, I was driving in an Army jeep through the back woods of Minnesota and decided it was time to let her go and it happened.  I felt free for the first time in almost two decades.  It’s strange that these long harbored feelings never affected the intense love I had towards my wife but it was still liberating.  As stated above, first loves are tough to let go of.  I’m excited for my son – I’m sure he’ll do a better job than I did with it.

Weekend Emoto Coast

This past weekend, starting on Friday, was an emotional rollercoaster that had me exhausted by Sunday night.  On Friday I made the decision to change jobs and revealed that decision to my client and my bosses.  I was very touched by the universal praise they all expressed for the job that I have done here and felt kind of nostalgic.  Later on Friday I signed the offer letter for the new job with the boss I loved working for – felt very enthusiastic.  I then hurried home to meet my son and his new girlfriend.  She turned out to be an absolute peach and my son is obviously severely smitten – felt contentment and paternal love.  Saturday was spent in an all day prep status getting ready for my wife’s annual Panamanian Independence Day party – felt harried.  My best friend showed up and we started greeting guests – felt contentment.  Shortly after the party started I received one of the most frightening phone calls of my life from a tearful brother in law who said while preparing to come to the party, my sister (one of the most important people in my life) had some sort of “event” in which she became confused.  My brother in law rushed her to the hospital where she was undergoing tests to ascertain if she had a stroke – felt absolute terror.  It was so good to have my best friend there as he provided immediate support that got me through the next couple of hours.  I would check out of the party every half hour or so to get an update from my brother in law – felt continual trepidation.  Eventually the news started getting better and her cognitive skills returned and I even spoke to her prior to her discharge from the hospital – felt elation.  At this point I threw myself into the party and consumed mass quantities of beer and cupcakes.  I had been staring at the cupcakes (one of my favorite food groups) for two days while being continually warned by my wife to leave them alone.  We ended up dancing the night away and enjoying the great company – felt emotionally drained.  Sunday we jumped in the car and went down to visit my sister.  She had experienced what is called Transient Global Amnesia and appeared totally normal.  We gave her a hug, talked for about an hour and headed home – felt relieved.  The New England Patriots defense managed to reverse the positive trend of my weekend by blowing a sure win with 15 seconds left – felt white hot anger.  Today – the emotions continue as I reveal my departure to the people who work for me – maybe some joy – at least for them – yet.

De-Bozoed

It looks like I will have to retract my earlier comments characterizing the corporate guy I met earlier this week as a famous clown.  I received a call last night from my former boss (the guy I really like to work for) that the guy actually liked me a lot and went back to corporate to fight to hire me.  Apparently I am going to receive an offer letter today that has all the offending language removed.  This is exciting for all the reasons I listed earlier – the best - I get to spend more time with the wife.  She has been incredibly loyal for thirty years as I dragged her literally all over the earth and then left her with the family for extended periods while I was out playing Army.  I encouraged her to retire last year because we really didn’t need the money she was making.  We talked a few weeks ago that she really likes the free time but that I spend so much time driving to and from my current job its almost like I’m back in the Army working 12 hour days all the time.  She was wondering where all the time together was that I promised after retiring from the military.  So, if the offer is as characterized, I am going to take it – she’s worth it.

Storms and Politicians

As most of the world knows we are digging out of a powerful, unprecedented early snow storm that caused massive power outages.  While I am sure some things could have been done better, from my view the power companies have done a great job getting power back on to the more than 600,000 who were without power on Sunday.  The day after the storm there were reports of teams from as far away as Ohio and Canada already in state and assisting with the effort.  As I drove to work at 6am each day this week I passed huge convoys of electrical service trucks out to fix the problem.  Based on my experience, none of this happens without some prior planning and coordination.  However, this being the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, the politicians have jumped on the issue as an effort to make a name for themselves.  I heard a report today on the radio where Martha Coakley, the state attorney general and failed senate candidate, self-importantly state that she was going to investigate the electric companies and possibly fine them.  Thanks Martha, guess who the companies will pass on the fines to, their customers, us.  We’re not even a week after the storm and here we go trying to play the blame game and trying to get some political traction.  What should be a time to praise the truly herculean efforts of those teams out there in the cold doing their level best to get the power back on, we have politicians focusing on the negatives.  I’ve been in third world countries where this type disaster would require months to fix.  Martha, shut up or at least take time to recognize the true heroes out there 24/7 doing something positive, like actually getting the power back on.  I’m sure that some of those hard working teams heard the same thing I did this morning and were as equally disgusted.

Petrified Wife

I had a long day yesterday.  I was interviewed by the company trying to hire me for that new/old position.  I told them ahead of time that I would not sign certain clauses that would restrict my independence if they lost the contract.  I was therefore severely disappointed when the guy from corporate showed up with an offer letter with the exact language I objected to.  I was not impressed with him at all, which led to doubts about working for a company where a bozo like this could rise to a position of authority.  He kept spouting about the risk-reward of accepting the position but failed to see there was a lot of risk for me and scant reward from them.  I would be making exactly what I currently make.  I told him no thanks and walked out before the promised dinner.  I kind of liked having the independence to tell him that.  On the upside, the interview was at the Hyatt Harborside Hotel next to Logan Airport and the view of the Boston skyline at night across the water was dazzling.  I eventually got home and was fed by a disgruntled wife who thought she didn’t have to feed me last night.  She felt bad the job didn’t work out because it would have made for a much shorter commute for me and more time at home with her.  Just before heading up to bed last night she was puttering around the kitchen and I wandered in, so we could follow our normal routine of walking upstairs together.  She turned around and literally screamed and almost fainted.  I was perplexed as she angrily accused me of almost scaring her to death.  I joked that I didn’t think that I was that tough to look at but she was having none of it.  I finally realized how upset she was and apologized but maintained I had simply walked into the room.  Once she calmed down she admitted that she had been watching a lot of ghost stories on television over the last few days and when she turned around she thought I was a ghost.  I am much larger, physically, than my wife and when she turned around and saw me, with her already vivid imagination further inflamed by the ghost stories, she almost blew a gasket.  I ended up being impressed.  There must be something is the wife handbook which explains how they can get a husband to apologize profusely for doing absolutely nothing but walking into the room.  Ahh – the joys of matrimony (said in abject irony if she reads this).  

Scariest Movie List

Yesterday was Halloween and that calls for a list of the scariest movies.  If you know me at all, you know that I love movies and one of my favorite genres is horror movies. One of the reasons I love movies so much is that I am able to transport myself into the plot, suspend my disbelief, as it were.  Horror movies scare the hell out of me and I love it.  I’ve never been able to figure out why but from my earliest movie going experiences I can remember peeking between my fingers at the 1960’s Hammer horror films, with Christopher Lee as Dracula (still my favorite) and asking my sister if I could sleep on the floor of her room after watching one of a Friday series of late night horror movies called “Chiller!”.  I had a hard time distilling the list down to just five but I went with ones that elicited the most visceral responses; that made me try to reacquire my disbelief.  So here goes: 

5 - Jaws – scared the hell out of me probably because I loved swimming and all of a sudden there was this force of nature that would literally eat me.  While the effects now look a little hokey, at the time, it terrified me.  I can remember being nervous while swimming, even in swimming pools.

4 – Halloween – the original is so frightening before the sequels bestowed Michael Myers with all kinds of supernatural powers.  It was so spooky to have this faceless, emotionless killer stalking the streets of a typical town.  Donald Pleasance is perfect in convincing the audience of the evil of the killer.

3 – Evil Dead 1 & 2 – basically the same movie with the second one made with more money.  While this movie series was eventually transformed into a comedy in later versions (even in #2 where it starts to creep in), the original was scary as hell.  The theme of ancient evil called forth unwittingly by an isolated professor using the Necronomicon and then having that evil prey on a group of young partiers stuck a cord with me.  The ending was also disturbing, which I won’t ruin for you.  

2 – Insidious - A new movie this year that scared the living bejesus out of me.  Victimizing a child is always scary (Stephen King has made a career out of it).  There were a couple of scenes that literally had me jumping out of my seat, especially when the demon appeared suddenly at a dining room discussion.  This movie pushed another one of the same type, The Entity, out of the top five.  Interestingly Barbra Hershey was in both movies.

1 – The Exorcist – Hands down the most scared I have ever been in my life.  I’ve been shot at and was not as scared as I was during this movie.  I can remember begging the characters not to go down the hallway leading to the possessed girl’s room again.  This movie haunted me for years.  Trying to sleep after watching the movie for the first time, a less than beloved household cat perched on top of a dresser next to my bed and the moonlight made her eyes glow.  I was petrified until I figured out it was the soon to be airborne feline.